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ВОЕННЫЙ ЮМОР 51-60

ВОЕННЫЙ ЮМОР

КНИГА ДЛЯ ЧТЕНИЯ НА АНГЛИЙСКОМ ЯЗЫКЕ

Главная страница FALL OUT FOR LAUGH ВОЕННЫЙ ЮМОР

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стр. 51-60

ЦЕЛЕБНЫЕ ЧАИ

ЦЕЛЕБНЫЕ ЧАИ

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INVITATION TO IMITATION
Private Eagl eton addressed his company
commander ; “Sir, may I ask for a pass to go
home tonight . My wife has ju s t delivered
triplets.”
“No, pr ivate, I c an’t grant you this leave. It
creates an annoying precedent. You’ll keep
asking me to let you go every evening on this
pretext.”
, EXEMPTION-ANXIOUS
“ I ’m in Class 1A,” wrote the regi s t rant to
his draft board in New York. “ I hear you put
men in ЗА if they have children. Please put me
in ЗА now, as I ’m working hard to get into this
category.”
NOT THE WHOLE TRUTH
“Pr ivate Koolidge,” asked the CO sternly,
“ is it true th a t you’ve called your sergeant ‘an
a s s ’?”
“Right you are, si r,” answere d the soldier.
“ I t ’s very good, pr ivate, that you say only
the t r uth,” praised the officer.
IDEAL SENTRY
A lady looked out of the window of her
house and exclaimed in admiration: “What an
ideal sent ry th at soldier across the street is!
He s tands without mot ion as if he has struck
roots like a tree, and even got leaves everywhere
about him!”
Her friend looked out too and commented:
“But it’s rea l ly a t ree.”

51

CORRECT ANGLE
A tourist entered an arms shop in New York
and remarked: “You’ve got a s t range combination
of sale i tems in your shop — pistols
and saxophone s . Af ter all ar t and arms are
incompatible!”
“Not s t range at all,” answere d the shop
owner . “As soon as somebody buys a
saxophone , his neighbor rushes to get from us
a pistol .”
GROWING STOCKS
A crowd of foreign tourists in Washington
were watching a new building recently buil t
near the Pentagon.
“What is this huge skyscraper for?” asked
one of the tourists.
“ I t ’s the place where they’ll hold the
growing files of deserters from the armed
forces,” explained the guide.
MORE CONVINCING
The custodian of the unit bar racks had a
good idea how to save the green gras s near
the buildings, as ‘Keep Off the Gr a s s ’ signs
didn’t have any effect.
Instead, he displayed prominentl y the signs:
“Military Reservation. Trespasser s Will Be
Drafted!” Nobody ventured to enter the
grounds ever since.

52

OVER AND OUT
Dur ing service pract ice in the arti llery
bat t a lio n every th ing seemed to go wrong. The
howitzer s were not f ir ing paral l e l to each other
as they should have been doing. The exasperated
instructor f inally called a halt and told
the telephone opera to r at the OP to send word
back to the f i ring battery.
“Form the sheaf parallel.” 52
The operator looked puzzled. “Say it again,
sir,” he asked.
On hearing the same instruct ions , the operator
called into the telephone: “ I d u n n o 53 what
he means, but he says to inform the chief farewell
.”
BETTER THAN BEST
The boast ful mot t o name of the US 2nd Infantry
Division was “Second to None.” 54 The
mot t o was figur ing on many s igns posted
everywhere. All this got to be too much for a
bat t a lio n quarte re d near the division.
A sign went up in front of the battalio n
CP. It read: “None.”
BY THE BOOK
The Br it ish Royal Arti llery made a t r ain ing
film on a gun-howitzer drill. At the preview
one scene puzzled everybody, Jus t before the
command to fire was given, one crew man
jumped from the gun carriage , rushed to the
rear about 20 paces, and froze there in a position
of at tent ion, arms stretched horizontally
to each side. No one could tell what the man
was doing except that it had been a par t of the
gun drill since Water loo.
At last an old caval ry man solved the
puzzle. “Hell man! Don’t you know who he is?
He is the bloody horse holder.”

54

SET YOUR ALARM-CLOCK
The commander learned that his officers
tried to paint the town r e d 55 last night. At
54
officers’ call next morning the commanding
officer delivered a stern lecture on military
efficiency, ending with this: “ I expect my junior
officers to play like hell from reveille to
recal l.”
One officer piped up with: “But, Colonel,
when do you expect us to sleep?”
The Old Man glared a moment, then said:
“ Lieutenant Howard, may I sugges t th a t you
try sleeping in between.”

PRECISE LOCATION
At a wet landing exercise of NATO forces a
LCT had to land two amphibious tanks ashore.
The first tank rumbled out into the water and
sank. A general witnessed the failure of the
first tank and, turning around, saw an officer
s tanding in wate r up to his knees.
“What you doing out there? Where’s that
other tank? ”
The officer drew himself up, saluted smartly
and answered, “Sir, I ’m s tanding on it.”
NOTHING LIKE EXPERIENCE
At Intell igence School students were being
shown by an ins tructor how most locks were
inadequat e protection for classified materia l .
The ins tructor exhibited superior skill in
picking and openin g all kinds of locking devices.
57 Af ter the demons t ratio n he asked if
there were any quest ions.
There was one: “Sir, what did you do before
you joined the Army?”

55

EXCHANGING ROLES
Firs t Soldier: “The chaplain want s to see
you, James .”
Second Soldier: “What for?”
First Soldier: “How do I know? May be he
wants to tell you his troubles. In a word, see
the chapla in.”
ABSOLUTE REJECTION
In connection with those sensational t r a n s plant
operations the fol lowing story is in circulat
ion: In the well-known Wal te r Reed Army
Hospi t a l in the USA Pr iv ate B. Hammond,
USA, was operated several times. But all oper
ations were a complete failure. Surg eons were
not able to effect any adequat e t issue t r a n s plantation.
Finally, a sergeant told the doctors: “Don’t
you see you won’t succeed wi th any operat ion
on this man. He is a notorious Army gold
brick. Any operation means work. And the
trouble is the patient soldier’s body rejects
work.”
NOT AN OFFENCE
A soldier once asked his sergeant : “Ser geant,
can a man be punished for what he
h a sn ’t done?”
“No,” replied the non-com, “certainly not.”
“Swel l,” remarked the soldier, “because I
haven’t done what you told me.”

56

PRECAUTION
A shepherd, who was tending his herd near
an Army a r t i l lery fi ring range, came to the
uni t commander and told him: “Sir, I ’ve found
an unexploded shell in the field.”
“Where is it?”
“There, a t your door. I was af raid one of my
cows could step on it and I ’ve taken the thing
here.”
IMPOSSIBILITY
Mother to her daughter : “Mary, i t ’s not the
r ight way to behave with men. Each day you
have a dat e with another soldier. Can you
decide yourself and have a steady one?”
“No, I c an’t, mother . They do not get their
pass es each day.”
NO HIDING
Dur ing dancing at a soldie rs’ club the girl
asked her soldier partner: “ Is it right what I
read in a book that soldiers can see everyth
in g with infrared equipment in pitch da rknes
s?”
“Yes, th a t ’s correc t ,” answered the soldier.
“And even,” the girl went on, “everything in
the park near the bar racks?”
“Yes, even that . ”
“Then,” suggested the girl, “we better go
home direct ly af ter the dances tonig ht .”
IDENTIFICATION CODE
A CIA agent in a Latin America countr y got
an as s ignment f rom his bosses to find his secret
resident as s i s tant in the capita l city.
At the indicated address he came to the re quired
house where he saw an old man at the
door: “Are pots and pans mended here?” he
used the prescribed code phrase.
“Wha t pots and pans? ” the man answered.
“ If you want to see that American spy, he lives
on the second floor, room 13, there,” explained
the old man.

57

JUMPING THE GUN
A Majo r was promoted to Lieutenant Colonel.
A few days late r he was officially notified
th at he had been promoted by mistake to be
corrected at some later date. Dur ing this period
the half-and-hal f Lieutenant Colonel
replaced his name plate with this sign:
“Oops!”

58

ANOTHER INTERPRETATION
A sma r t ai rcraft main tenance technician
worked out a very complicated procedure to
repair aircr a f t and return to service. The pro cedure
was proudly called “Progress iv e Aircraft
Rework.”
An engineer commented: “Why such an ambitious
name? It means ‘Pa int and Return’.”
WHAT’S FOR CHOW?
A unit cook was asked: “What are you
reading, John?”
“The Cooking Book ‘Army Rat ions ’.”
“And who is the author?”
“Bacon F. Chow.”
ESCALATION
The division commander decided to hold a
parade. He ordered brigade commander s to
pa rade their troops at 9.00. The brigade
commander s told their battalio n commanders
to be ready for the division parade by 8.30.
The bat t a lio n commander s demanded th at company
commanders should line up their companies
at 8.00.
The serg eant told the men: “The division
commander is reviewing the parade at 9.00.
The orders of the platoon leader are to be
ready by 6.30. I shal l check up the readiness
for the parade a t 6.00.”

59

JUSTIFICATION

The Commanding General summoned his
Chief of Staf f and told him: “Will you find an
inte l ligent and efficient officer.”
“Yes, sir. What th en?”
“Then find the reasons for your dismissal
from your post . ”

SHOES AND FOOT WEAR
“Dear Mom,” wrote a recruit, “Army shoes
are supposed to ‘fit like glove’, as my ser geant
said, but I ’d be sat isfied if I could ju s t
get a pair that fit like shoes.”
THE ONLY PLACE
In the recept ion room of a doctor an
annoyed visitor exclaimed: “How could I find
a doctor honest enough to tell me there ’s
nothing wrong with me?”
Another client advised: “Join the Army!”
WRONG ADDRESSEE
After ma i l call a soldier looked ext remely
sad.
“Wha t ’s wrong, boy?” asked his buddy.
“ I jus t got a ‘Dear Jo h n ’ letter !”
“Gee, that happens to any wolf who is after
girls.”
“Yeah, but I don’t even have a gir l!”

60

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