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ВОЕННЫЙ ЮМОР 60-74

ВОЕННЫЙ ЮМОР

КНИГА ДЛЯ ЧТЕНИЯ НА АНГЛИЙСКОМ ЯЗЫКЕ

Главная страница FALL OUT FOR LAUGH ВОЕННЫЙ ЮМОР

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стр. 75-101

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ONCE AGAIN

A soldier went into the Army recruiting
office.
“Wh a t ’s the mat t e r , soldier?” the recrui t ing
officer asked him.
“You see, I hear d a month ago you talking
about that wonderful service and life in ‘ th e
Army. I was so enthralle d that I got enl i s t ment
. Would you mind tel ling me all that
again because I star te d hat ing the Army, sir!”

 

TOP SPEAKER

In the Institute of Stra tegic a l Studies a general
was delivering a ha r angue on long- range
st rategic plans for NATO.
Af ter his repor t a l istener commented: “He
is one of those military orato rs who, before
they get up, do not know what they’re going
to say, when they are speaking, do not know
what they are saying; and when they have sat
down, don’t know what they have said except
that the title of thei r par lance was ‘St rategic
Study’.”

NO SYNONYMS

The officer sn apped a t a recruit: “You
should answer only ‘Yes, sir ,’ to each of my
questions or orders! Do you unde r s tand? ”
“Yep, sir,” replied the recruit.

THEN RUN

A sig n in a res taurant in New York read:
“ In case of a nuclear at t ack keep calm, pay
check, then ,run like hell!”

STRANGER

The story goes th at Genera l Greggs, division
commander, had died. An elaborat e funeral
was in progress and the chapla in had t a lked
a t great length about what a fine military
leader he had been, how sober, kind, how
tact ics-wise, how dedicated to his work, how
considerat e to his subordinates , how many big
vi c tor ies he had won on the battlefield.
Final ly , a soldier in line, ready for the l a s t
parade, could s tand it no longer. He whispered
to his friend in formation: “Hey, Jack, you ju s t
edge up there quietly to the coffin and see
who’s in that box!”

GENTLEMAN AND …

A burly Army sergeant entered a book shop
and asked for the book under title: “Army Is
Young Men’s Pa radi se .”
The astonished clerk said, “One moment,
please,” and went to the rear of the store to
make inquir ies. He was unawa re that the ser geant
had followed him.
The clerk said to the manager : “Some idiot
want s a book which, to judge by the title, may
be a sci-fic or fairy tale story.a

Then he noticed th at the sergeant was
behind him, and added: “This gent leman
wants it too.”

DIFFERENT USE

A little countr y boy saw a dr iver drain in g
his truck radiator. Fie commented: “And .we
take our milk f rom cows!”

ONLY BARGAIN

One girl said to her friend: “You’ve done a
nasty thing! You promised not to disclose
those secrets about soldiers that my soldier
friend told me.”
Her f riend answered: “No, I didn’t. I only
exchanged them for others.”

COMMON THING

A guest present a t a weddin g said: “As a
war vet, I can say that there is one th in g in
common between weddin g and marching — both
are signs of a battle in the neare st future.”

FORCE OF HABIT

A CIA member walked into a res taurant and,
taking a seat, remarked to the owner : “ I see
you’ve got a new waiter!”
“How do you know?” asked the astonished
owner .
“ I see on the ash tray there are some f inger
prints which are not on our files!”

EARMARKS OF A SOLDIER

Father remarked to his son: “You have the
main thing demanded from a soldier !”
“What th ing?” asked his son.
“Bravery. To show me such marks f rom
school!”

NOT AT A LOSS

At a driving school a driver trainee was
asked by his driving instructor : “Suppose you
dr ive a heavy truck down a steep slope at a
speed of 70 miles per hour and, all of a sudden,
a rear wheel breaks off and s tar t s rolling
down hill. What are your actions?”
“ I would increase the speed to catch the
wheel ,” answered the trainee.

CAUTION

The fir ing instructor asked a soldier during
a fi ring exercise: “Lemming , why didn’t you
fire your weapon at the ta rge t? ”
“ I thought I might miss it and didn’t want
to waste ammo!”

BETTER

A gunnery instructor told a group of
t r a inees: “Now, this here weapon fires a
bul let that can penet r ate any w o o d 58 three
inches thick. So I guess, you guys better keep
your heads down!”

INSULT

A new corporal complained to his friend in
the barracks: “When I wa s a t the bar yester day
a civilian insul ted me offering me only a
beer to mark my promotion to corporal!”
“And what did you do?”
“ I swallowed the insult!”

NO EXPERIENCE

The swimming ins tructor asked a group of
recruits: “Well, boys, who of you can swim?”
All the men repl ied they could but one who
kept silence, obviously at a loss what to
answer.
“And you, Priv ate ,” asked the inst ructor,
“ can you swim?”
“ I don’t know, si r!” reported the recruit.
“How come you do not know?”
“ I ’ve never tried,” was the reply.
BLIND LOVE
“Oh, John, you’ll go to the Army and leave
me alone!” she sighed.
“No,” her boy friend said with conviction.
“ I’ll take you wi th me to the draf t board so
the doctor can see how near sighted I am.”

CARDINAL DIRECTIONS

A topography instructor explained the c a r dinal
points to a group of recruits.
“Now,” he said, “ in the Army the soldier
should grow North and South but not East or

West!” he added, trying to bring together topography
and physical development .

DOPPLER EFFECT

A traffic cop stopped a car driven by a back
room boy.

“Wh a t ’s wrong, mister? Don’t you see the
light was red?”.
“You see, officer,” t r ied to explain (rather to
obscure the issue, scientifically) the scientist,
“ i t’s the Doppler effect!”
“What Doppler? I don’t know the guy,” said
the MP.
“The Doppler effect says that at high speed
colors are distinguished in a different way.”
“OK, then pay the fine for exceeding speed!”
st ated the policeman.

MILITARY COMPUTERIZATION

A general put a question to the computer
about a tactical exercise: “ Shall the unit
advance or re t reat? ”
After a few seconds, the answer came back.
It was “Yes.”
“Yes what?” shouted the gener a l . “Ask it
aga in,” he ordered the operator.
Af ter a few more moments another answer
came: “Yes, sir .”
The general commented: “That ’s another
pair of shoes! Otherwise wh a t ’s the use of mi li tary
computeriza tion if there isn ’t any subordination!”

WAR OPERA

Hi s little son asked him: “ Daddy, wh a t ’s an
opera?”
“ I t ’s a play where they do not talk but sing.”
“And is there such a thing as a wa r opera?”

“Yes, probably there’s. A wa r opera is where
a guy gets shot or stabbed in the back and
instead of bleeding and kicking the bucket he
s ings .”

COMMUNICATIONS AND HUMOR

Here’s a bearded joke from the t ime when
carrier pigeons were used to deliver messages.
A carrier pigeon brought a very delayed
message.
“What happened?” the receiver asked.
“Noth ing,” answered the bird, “it was so
nice out. I decided to walk.”
And here how that very joke is disguised in
the age of electronics. A radio wave sent by a
dis tant t ransmi t ter reached the receiver with
great delay.
“Wha t ’s the mat ter?” asked the Sparks,
“Where have you been?”
“ I found an openin g in the Heavyside
Layer,” explained the wave, “and had a nice
stroll in outer space.”

HIS SUPERSTITIONS

A man about to be drafted made this s ta te ment:
“So I have to join the Army. But you
should take into account that I have some_superstitions.”
“What super st i t ions?”
“My belief forbids me f rom doing anyth in g
any week th at has a Friday in it.”

PRECAUTIONS

A cop was s i t t ing at MP Headquar ters when
the telephone rang.
“There ’s the body of an Army sergeant down
here,” was the voice on the other end. “He ’s
been murdered.”
“Don’t let him get away,” the cop screamed,
“we’ll be r ight down!”

SLEEP (ARMY WAY)

A GI home on leave was asked about
sleeping in the Army.
“Soldier s go to bed when they’re not sleepy
and get up when they are,” he readily
commented.

NO USE FOR HIM ANY WAY

A man wa s accused of s tealing a car of an
Army officer. He pleaded guil ty with an explanation.
“The car was parked outside the military
cemetery so I thought the owner was dead in
war .”

VERY RELEVANT

A soldier re turned from his home leave several
weeks late.
“Wha t ’s the ma t te r? ” asked his CO.
“ I couldn’t come,” the man complained. “My
wife broke a leg.”
“Wha t ’s that got with you?”
“ It was my leg she broke.”

TAKING ADVANTAGE

At an exam at the driving school the instructor
asked a trainee driver: “What would
you do if the water in the radia to r of your
truck st arte d boiling?”
“ I ’d throw in some noodle.”
“Well,” the instructor took in the information
for a moment, then said, “don’t forget to
give me some when it’s done.”

COLDER THAN COLD

“Where did you serve last year, Fred?”
“ I was in Greenland at an air base there.”
“They say it’s pre t ty cold there, isn ’t it?”
“ It was so cold there even in the bar racks
th at I had to put on wa rm mittens to wash
my hands .”

REAL REASON

The CO exclaimed in anger : “Smi th, when
are you goin g to stop plaguing me with your
requests for leaves. One time I had to let you
go because your wife’s fa ther ’s funera l , then
you asked me to permit you to go home
because your wife wa sn ’t well. Some days ago
your little son had a whooping cough. Then
you told me your wife was expect ing. What is
this this time?”
“Sir, Pr ivate Smi t h requests permission to
mar ry tonight.”

LUCK

Two GI s met in Saigon. One was bandaged
from head to toe. He had a big black eye and
his arm was broken. He walked on crutches
and was literal ly swathed in bandages but his
chest was all covered with Purple He a r t medals.
The other GI said, “So tell me, LUCKY,
■ how is every th ing?”

SAFE

It was the immuniza tio n day in the unit.
A soldier saw the uni t dog mascot ferociously
at tacking the new medical doctor.
“No fear, doc,” he exclaimed. “The dog has
been vaccinated all right!”

OUT OF DANGER

A man armed with a pistol stopped a late
pedestrian, obviously drunk, in a dark lane at
night.
“Your dough,” demanded the hold-up man,
“ and don’t budge a bit or I ’ll blow your
brain s!” 59
The victim, who proved a GI retu rning back
to his barracks , exclaimed mer ri ly: “The joke
is on you, m a n . 60 The sergeant always told me
I h ad n ’t got any brain s .”

ASSIGNMENTS

The sergeant was asking the recrui ts about
their work in Civvie Street.

“What did you do, Smi th?”
“ I was a mechanic.”
“Well, so you go to the tank outfit. And you,
Collins?”
“ I was a lawyer.”
“You’ll make good as a company clerk.
Wha t about you, Hoppkin s?”
Recrui t Hoppkins began stuttering: “ I s-s-stu-
tu-tu-tu-ter.”
“ Splendid!” commented the sergean t . “You’ll
make an excellent machine gunner .”

STAGNATION IN TECHNOLOGY

A motor cycle mes senger ran into a telegraph
post.
“What do I care that they have invented
the wireless telegraph! Why haven’t they got
a te legraph without posts!”

EAGER HELPER

Priv ate Bur ton was having his first
t ra ining drive in an Army truck as a trainee
driver. His dr iving instructor a t the wheel was
put t ing out his hand every now and then.
The frightened and bewi ldered trainee cried:
“Sergeant , don’t take your hands off the wheel,
for God’s sake, I ’ll tell you if it ra in s!”

FIRE ARM

In the cour t a man complained to the judge :
“Your honor , th a t man attacked me with a
fire arm.”

“What arm? A pistol?”
“No.”
“A rifle?”
“No.”
“A s.ubmachine gun? ”
“No.”
“Then what fire arm could he use?”
“ It was a poker, your honor.”
SAME TIME
The CO received a wire f rom Pr ivate Lemm,
on shor t leave at home.
“Missed train. Leaving tomor row same time.
Private Lemm.”
“What a moron!” commented the CO.
“ If he leaves tomor row a t the same t ime he
is sure to mi s s the train again.”

DISPUTE ON TIME

In a lunat ic asylum several inmate s were
engaged in a dispute on time. At this moment
the clock on the wall struck.
“ I t ’s noon,” said one man.
“No, it’s midnight , ” objected another .
“You fools,” state d the third, “ I t ’s
12 o’clock.”
An ex-Army se rgeant intervened: “And you,
guys , say you served with the forces! I t ’s
12.00 hour s .”

CORRECTION

Classes on physics are held in an engineer
unit. The sergeant — in st ructo r explains that
water boils at 90° C.

A young recruit remarks, “ I’m sorry, se r geant,
but we learned a t school that wate r
boils at 100° C.”
The sergeant admi t s the error. “As you
were! I t ’s right . Wate r does boil a t 100° C. I t ’s
the right angle th at boils a t 90° C.”

FORGETFULNESS

Two privates had a fur ious altercation in
the barracks.
“You are the greate s t dope ever living,
Johns !”
“And you are the biggest moron I have ever
seen!”
At this moment the sergeant entered the
room. “Wh a t ’s the noise?” he shouted. “ It
seems somebody forgets about me. I’m the one
in charge here after all!” 61

MOTIVATION

A war vet was again making an excursion
into his record of milita ry prowess.
“And once, I recall, the enemy st arted ra king
our position with murderous fire. The captain
gave the order ‘Hit the di r t! ’ And everybody
fell down but me. I remained s tanding full :siz.e
courageously!”
“Why?”
“ I had an uncorked whiskey bottle in the
pocket.”

75

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