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Two privates had a fur ious altercation in
the barracks.
“You are the greate s t dope ever living,
Johns !”
“And you are the biggest moron I have ever
At this moment the sergeant entered the
room. “Wh a t ’s the noise?” he shouted. “ It
seems somebody forgets about me. I’m the one
in charge here after all!” 61
A war vet was again making an excursion
into his record of milita ry prowess.
“And once, I recall, the enemy st arted ra king
our position with murderous fire. The captain
gave the order ‘Hit the di r t! ’ And everybody
fell down but me. I remained s tanding full :siz.e
“ I had an uncorked whiskey bottle in the

A second lieutenant watched a sergeant
drill ing a small group of rookies in the drill
“Sergeant ,” he intervened, “your men are
lined up not according to their height!”
“But, sir, there are only three of them.”
“ It doesn’t make any difference!” said the
looie severely. “You should stick to the regs 62
in any case. I don’t care if you had only one
man. He should fall in where his height places
him, all the same!”
A hill-bi lly63 soldier who was well-trained
in the Army for that notorious ‘push-button
wa r ’ was on leave in the big city for the first
time in his life. A man noticed that the soldier
had been s tanding for hal f an hour a t the door
of a lift in the sky-scraper.
“Why don’t you press the but ton?” the man
“Well, I pressed all the buttons — on the
shir t , on the trouser s and on the coat — but
the lift doesn ’t go down!”
After a long t raining in rappel lin g techniques
a Ranger out fi t was having a life drill in
descending by a rope from a hel icopter in
a hoverin g fl ight at night. One of the ranger s
tried to climb down the rope but soon returned
back into the chopper.

“Wh a t ’s the mat t e r , Fred?” asked him the
sergeant, “ I sn’t the way f ree?”
“The way is free okay, but it’s impossible to
get down all the same! The rope is too long.”
The telephone r a n g in the company comman
d e r ’s office.
“Sir, this is Sergeant Evans reporting. There
has been a big fight going on in the bar
across the street between our lads and the ma r
ines for about two hours.
“For two hours? And you are repor t ing this
only now?”
“Yes, sir. But at first our men were win n ing.”
A man complained to the court to suit the
driver of an Army t ruck for damages.
“The soldier was drunk when driving, your
honor , and hit me bad.”
“What did he do to you?”
“He broke my leg.”
“So what sum do you want as compensation?”
“ 10,000 dollars .”
“God all mig hty!” cried the defendant.
“What do you think — soldiers are milliona
i r s? ”
“And what do you think — civi lians are
centipedes?” countered the plaintiff.

A team of soldiers was unlo ading a truck at
a depot. A man was car rying in a box when the
sergeant yelled: “Hey, Wilson, why don’t you
shut the door? I t ’s damn cold outside!”
“ But I have ju st entered, se rgeant, and both
of my hands are occupied!”
“ I see you c an’t keep your mouth shut either,
Private ? You could have closed the door before
entering, couldn’t you?”
The uni t chief of staf f had a glance on a repor
t his typi s t gave him and asked; “Wilkins,
with how many zeros do you write a million?”
“Wi th six, sir.”
“Well, and half a million?”
“Wi th three!”
The sergeant was giving orders about fire
prevention in the unit area.
“And the main thing you shouldn’t throw
away any cigarette buts! Do you know from
history about the Gre at Fire of London?”
A soldier added, “And don’t spit! Do you
remember the Flood!”
The train guard noticed a soldier smoking in
the compartment for non-smoking passenger s .
He said, pointing at the notice: “Don’t you
see the sign ‘NO SMOKING’? Why don’t you
“And you don’t see what that post e r on the
wall behind you says?” said the soldier,
poi nt in g a t the Army recrui t ing poster: ‘JOIN
THE ARMY’. Why don’t you comply?”


His parents took little Johnnie to watch a
magni f icent military parade. Johnnie saw all
infantry columns , artillery, missiles and tanks
pass in formation.
Af ter the parade was over his father asked:
“Well, sonnie, whom did you like to pass best?”
“The ice-cream man, daddy,” answered the
A rookie was looking for a bunk in the
barracks . He asked an old timer.
“How long are you goin g to stay in the
“ I ’m a lifer,” was the answer.
“Then I ’ll take this bunk nearer the door ,”
said the rookie. “ I ’ll be leaving in two year s .”
A man met his friend loiter ing in the street
in the soldier uniform.
“Hello, Jim,” he greeted him. “Wh a t ’s it
you’re doing here?”

“ Nothing , ju st kil ling the time.”
“Oh, 1 see. There’s no wa r at the moment !”
An adver t i sement in a local newspaper in
Texas : “Ex-cemetery to sell. Gre at opportunity
for ammuni t io n manufactur e . Pract i c al ly u n limited
deposi ts of lead!”
A man appeare d at an Army recruiting center
and declared his wish to join the service.
“But, man,” said the recrui t ing officer, “you
have mos t of your teeth mis sing!”
“What?! What do the soldiers need teeth
for? Haven’t they any weapons?” exclaimed
the indignant volunteer.
Kids had a quarrel in the yard but soon
made up. One boy suggested: “Now th at we
have peace let ’s play war !”
The se rgeant reported to the CO of a US
Ranger outfit: “Sir, I think Pr iv ate Dowson
i sn’t any good for our outfit which, in your
words, should have only tough fellas!” 64
“And what did he do?”
“ I had a report th at he had a quarrel with
his wife and, fancy, th at softie hit her wi th the
soft end of the broom!”

Two GIs were hear ing a brass hat deliver ing
a pep talk to boost thei r f lagging morale.
“He ’s a hard -hi t t ing speaker, eh?” one of
them commented.
“Yes,” agreed the other.
“But the trouble with him th at he’s one of
those speakers that take the floor only to hit
the ceiling.”
The CO saw a man si t t ing in f ront of a fan
with a submachine gun a t ready.
“Wh a t ’s it you’re doing, Symmons?” he
“Nothing. Jus t going to shoot the breeze.” 65
A wa r vet told his friend: “When I was in
the Army I had a special watch for Army ser vice-
proof agains t ev e ry th in g— waterproof,
shockproof, unbreakable and antimagnet ic.”
“ So what happened?”
“ I lost it.”
A fat man a t the medical examinatio n at the
dr a f t board decided to play a trick wi th the
weighing machine by tampe r ing with it in an
ingenious way. The ar row whirled sideways
and f inally rested at 62 pounds.

The doctor looked on and yelled: “This fellow
is definitely unf it for Army service. He ’s
hol low.” Then he thought a bit and mused:
“Perhaps he’ll do for the Air Force. But no.
They don’t have any air balloons there now.”

“So you want to become a ranger, Smith,” a
man was asked at the Army recruiting center.
“But have you got enough courage for this
dangerous service?”
“Yes, I ’ve got a lot of courage normally. The
trouble is I lose it when I’m afraid.”
Two drunk soldiers went out of a pub ‘three
sheet s in the wind’ 66 as the Navy phra se goes.
One of them said: “My se rgeant will smel l
at once that I had a drop too mu c h .67 He ’s got
the smel l ing capacity of a dog.”
His buddy recommended him: “Then you
take my example. To prevent him from
sniffing your bre ath answer him with your
mouth shut .”
The judge of the divorce cour t asked: “Why
do you want to divorce your wi fe?”
“ I t ’s ma rksmanship.”
“Wha t do you mean? Is your wife a WAC?”
“No. She’s been th rowing plates a t me for
several years but her aim wa sn ’t any good.
But now she’s become a ma rkswoman!” 68
A GI learned that the recent talks about a
pay hikes for soldiers were ju s t ‘l a t rine rumo
r s ’.

So he made the following sugges t ion to his
commander : “Sir, if they c an’t increase our
pay tell ’em to give it more often at least!”
Two Army brat s were boast ing about their
officer fathers: “My dad out ranks yours. He ’s
a majo r !”
“ But mine has a bigger paunch!”
The judge asked the defendant: “Mason, why
did you use such outdate d weapons as a bow
and ar rows to kill your wife?”
“ I was afraid to wake up the children.”
A Scot saw his wife in the arms of a man.
He snatched out his pistol and commanded
the man: “Step behind her!”
“What for?”
“Do you think I ’ll waste two shot s on both
of you?”
An officer saw a sentry smoking on his post.
He remarked: “ Private, don’t you know it’s
agains t the regula tions to smoke whi le on
se nt ry duty!”
“And you, sir, don’t you know th a t ’s agains t
the regula tions to t a lk to a sent ry?”

The wife was repr imanding her sergeant
husband who was proudly showin g off his new
medal ‘For Bravery’.
“Fred, you better take off th at thing! You
shouldn’t parade your courage so conspicuously.”
“All r ight ,” agreed the hubby obediently,
“only then I should also remove the weddin g
rin g.”
The sergeant was chewing out Pr ivate
Brooks in the company office l a te in the
evening: “Brooks, you’re the greate s t dis grace
to the US Army one can imagine! I don’t wish
to see any more of you!”
At these words the GI rushed to the light
switch and turned it off.
“Wha t ’re doing?” the se rgeant shouted in
great astonishment.
“But you said you didn’t wish to see any
more of me?” protested the man.
A group of American atomic experts were
a s ses s ing the resul t s of the bur st of the atom
bomb in Hiroshima.
One of the group not iced: “How happened
th at that tower with a clock remained un damaged
so near the ground zero?”
Somebody commented: “Perhaps because its
clock was ten minute s late.”

A man who wished to join the Army was
asked where he wanted to go for service.
“To the K9 Corps,” 69 he replied.
“Why?” he was asked by the amazed
recrui ter.
“Because I’m a dog,” said (or rather barked)
the man.
The would-be war rio r was dispatched to
the psychi a t r i s t in ‘g reat haste . The psychiat rist
was cur ious how long he had been thinking
he was a dog.
The man answered: “Ever since a pup.”
Two GIs were compar ing notes about their
s e rg e a n t s .70
“ I sure can give you a good piece of a d vice
— never talk back when your se rgeant
snaps at you. Jus t keep your mouth shut!”
“No, th at I c an’t do,” groaned the friend.
“Whenever he s tar t s ta lking I feel like vomi
An MP saw two GIs walking in a s t r ange
manner . They were movin g backwards in a
He called: “You funny guys, wha t ’s the idea
of backing out?”
One of the soldiers, who was probably less

drunk, said: “Are we going backwards indeed?
Then I see why we h av en ’t been able to get to
the b a r ra ck s on time!”
At a field t ra in in g exercise an umpire asked
the unit chief of staff: “Wh a t ’s the use of your
e laborate movement tables if your troops never
arrive at their des tination on time?”
“ If they do,” a rgued the chief of staff, “wha t
should we have the wa iting a re a s for?”
A drive was on in a tank unit to reduce
ra te of injuries to tank crews in ma intenanc e
operations. Therefore every accident wa s to be
reported in detail. Se rg e an t Rileyah, a tank
commander, submitted the following accident
repor t to the company CO: “Pr iv a te Casey
dropped a wrench on his foot while fixing a
track. Now under ‘Rema rks ’, do you wan t mine
or Ca sey’s?”
A s e rg e an t was putting a group of recruits
through their paces in the man u a l of arms. He
wa s quite patient for a while, but finally
called a halt.
“Are there any questions now?” he asked.

A recruit replied: “Yes, se rg e a n t .”
“Wha t is it?”
“Wha t use will I have for a rifle in my
MOS? I ’m going to be a cook.”
The s e rg e a n t mopped his brow. “Well,
recruit, in the first place, you can peel pota toes
with a bayonet. And in the second place —
if you’re as good a cook as you are a soldier —
you’ll need it to protect yourself from murder
at the h ands of your comrades -in-arms ,”
An old ve te ran wa s broug ht before a group
of young soldiers to give them the benefit of
his wa r experiences.
“To wh a t do you a ttr ibute your longevity?”
inquired a soldier.
“To the fact,” replied the old vet conclusively,
“ tha t I never died.”
An outfit of mud crushers were s log ging
along a bogged road in heavy rain. Suddenly
shouts were heard: “P a s s a shovel, pas s a
shovel, quick!”
“Wh a t ’s wro n g ? ” their leader inquired.
“Pr iv a te Pe r s iva l is stuck in the mud up to
his shoe tops .”
“Why doesn’t he walk out?”
“He ’s in head first!”

The g ua rd commander heard a shot ne a r a
post and rushed there. He did n’t find any
sentry on the post. Only some time later P r i va
te Ruskin returned to the place.
“Why did you run away ? ” he was asked.
“ I heard two shots r ing out and ju s t as soon
as I saw there wa s big trouble on I s ta r ted
ru n n in g as fast as I could to get reinforcements
“Two shots? ” interrupted the g u a rd commander.
“ I heard only one shot fired.”
“Oh, no, se rg e an t ,” insisted the private.
“ I counted two shots definitely — one when
the bullet passed me and the other when I
passed the bullet,”

A general on a round of inspection asked a
dining soldier: “Can you tell me wha t mess
this is?”
“Well, they call it mutton but I wouldn’t
vouch for it, s ir.”
A gold brick on the sick call wa s asked by
the medical officer: “Don’t feel well, eh? And
don’t look well?”
“Yes, they call me a dog face.”
“Appetite all r ig h t? ”
“E a t like a wolf, sir.”
“Sleep well?”
“As sound as a dog, sir.”
“Oh, you’d better see the vet,” the MO
To boost fighting s p i r i t ,71 an awa rd of a
sum of money wa s promised for every enemy
ta n k knocked out.
When enemy tanks deployed for attack, P r i va
te John shouted with glee: “They are coming!”
“Who’s coming?” his buddy asked.
“Tanks .”
“How many are there?”
“About 50 tan ks and infantry.”
“H u r ra h ,” cried the other man, Pr iv a te P a t

jump in g up and g rab b in g his
weapons, “our for tune ’s made.” 72
A young girl was wa tching soldiers firing
their rifles on the ra n g e one day. Suddenly a
rifle volley r a n g out. The lady shran k b a c k 73
directly into the a rms of a soldier who was
s ta n d in g behind her.
“Oh,” she s tamme red with a blush, “ I was
so frightened by the rifles — won’t you please
forgive me?”
“Not at all, not at all,” spoke up the private.
“Come next time and watch the artillery.”
After sermon before depa r tu re to battle a
soldier asked the chaplain.
“Suppose I do get killed?”
“Wha t of it? Heaven is your home!” replied
the chaplain.
“Yes, I know that. But r ight now, I am not
homesick,” 74 said the soldier.
Pr iva te Rollinson was ga z in g out of the
b a r ra cks window, in downcas t mood.
“A gain it ’s ra in in g cats and officers,” 75 he
remarked at last.
“Why officers?” his friend got curious.

“You don’t tell me, you don’t know how the
phra se goes?” was the answer.
A wa r vet boas ted about his military
“ I wa s very successful du r in g the war: I decorated
myself with medals .”
“What bravery,” one of his listeners
When one is a soldier it is one of two things.
One is either in a dan ge rous place, or a cushy
one. If in the latter, there is no need to worry.
If one is in a dang e ro us place, it is one of two
things. One is wounded or one is not. If one is
not, there is no need to worry. If the former, it
is either d ange rous or slight. If slight, there is
no need to worry, but if dange rous , it is one
of two alternatives . One dies or recovers. If
the latter, why worry? If you die, you cannot.
In these circums tances the real soldier never
A soldier ju s t as s igned to go to an overseas
the a te r of wa r wa s asked: “And which side of
the ocean will you serve on?”
“The suicide,” he replied grimly.

Dur ing a tactical field exercise an air
wa rn in g signal wa s given followed with an
order: “Low level air attack. Take cover!”
Everybody sought some cover except two
men who were tak in g it easy, enjoying the
pause in marching.
“Why, you two are not tak in g cover?” the
platoon leader snapped.
“We are hiding in the bushes, sir.”
“But there are no bushes here!”
“Neither are there any a ttack planes .”
A US soldier on leave walked into the zoo.
There he saw a zebra. After s tudying it for a
while he concluded: “Must be an Army mule —
I see he has won his s tripes.”
Battle fortunes were a g a in s t the unit. The
situation was hopeless.
The Chief of Staff asked the Commander:
“What do we do now, Colonel? Re tre a t? ”
“Retre a t? ” replied the Commander. “You
must be off your mind. We never retreat. We
mus t advance in the opposite direction.”
At a party a lady approached an officer in
full dress uniform.

“Now th a t the re ’s no war, Colonel, do you
still have to spend a lot of time polishing up
your bu tton s? ” she asked.
One soldier asked another: “Wha t will you
do after your discharge from the Army, J im? ”
“Oh, I think I can perform as a fakir at
“ In what number?”
“ I ’ll^be able to sleep s ta n d in g upr igh t — I
got a lot of t ra in in g in it on sentry duty.”
Two cadets met after some drill: “By the
way, when do you go on leave?” asked one.
“ In nine weeks, five days, thirteen hours,
45 minutes and, let me see, 39 seconds,” was
the precise answer.
The physical t ra in in g ins tructor told a group
of soldier athlets: “Now I ’m going to exercise
with dumb-bells. Will you join me?”
A gun crew had it stenciled on the gun
shield: “ I t’s more blessed to give than to re ceive.”

Du r in g mountain t ra in in g an ins tructor in
mountain wa r fa re techniques gave the following
w a rn in g to his charges: “Be careful not to
fail here — it ’s dangerous. But if you do fall,
remember to look to the left — you get a
wonderful opportunity for observing some dead
spaces where the enemy may be.”
The officer gazed s ternly at the private who
had been b rought before him.
“Did you call the s e rg e an t a lia r? ”
“ I did, s ir.”
“And a twis te r? ”
“Yes, sir.”
“And did you go on to describe him
as a pop-eyed, knock-kneed, black-blighted
s tooge?” 77
The private hesitated. Then with a note of
regre t in his voice said: “No, sir, I forgot th a t .”
After receiving some t ra in in g in TV a radio
operator commented: “The essential difference
between sound radio and TV is th a t with sound
radio you listen to interference while with TV
you can even watch interference.”

The crash of fallen china ware ru n g through
the messhall.
“Um,” said the Mess Sarge, “more dishes,
“No,” sighed the red-faced KP, “less.”
General Watson wished to probe the morale
of his men. He picked up one private and
addres sed him, father like: “Happy in the
Army, son?”
‘ “Yes, sir.”
“Wha t were you in civilian life, son?”
“Happier, sir!”

“General Baker is corning to inspect our
unit. Do you know him?”
“Yes, he is one of the so-called metallic g e n
e ra ls .”
“What do you mean by it?”
“Well, he has bra s s in his head gear, bronze
on his chest, silver in his hair, gold in his
teeth and lead in his p an ts .”
A lad about to be inducted wa s aisked:
“Were you troubled with flat feet?”
“Yes,” he answered. “Once. For speeding!”
An infantry pr ivate beseeched his lieutenant
for three day’s leave. Asked for a reason he
explained th a t his wife had ju s t been made a
s e rg e an t in the WAC.
“T h a t ’s very fine, but why should th a t get
three d ay ’s leave for you?”
“ I wan t to do something th a t every private
had dreamed of doing all the time.”
“Wh a t? ”
“Po u n d in g life out of a s e rg e a n t .”

Private: “ I’ve checked the figures of the Pay
Roll eight times.”
Finance officer: “Fine, fine! You’re a model
soldier, young man.”

Private: “And had, sir, all the eight times
different results .”
“Why so unhappy, Pr iva te Jeckin,” the
chaplain asked.
“ I ’m homesick.”
“ I sn ’t your unit your home?”
“Yes, but I ’m sick of it.” 79
Two soldiers were looking through the notes
of the daily bulletin.
“Look, Joe,” one of them said. “ It says here
th a t General Home changes his name for
“Yes, no wonder he does it. When he
appeared on the battlefield once to lead his
troops forward, everybody shouted: ‘Home,
Home ’.”
“And what happened? ”
“All of them ra n home instead of following
the gene ra l.”
A ba tte ry commander accompanied the
inspecting general along the front ran k of his
“ I have never seen such an untidy collection
of ruffians in my life,” said the general.
“Uh, but you haven ’t seen the re a r ra n k yet,
sir,” was the reply.

The call to a high bra s s in a Pentago n
office wa s from the Reception Center.
“There’s a fellow draftee down here who
claims to be a relative of yours, sir, and says
he can prove it.”
“H e ’s crazy,” the high b ra s s general at the
other end of the phone retorted.
“We know,” said the receptionist, “but we
thought th a t might be mere coincidence.”
Like most casual bull sessions, this had
drifted from subject to subject with only n o r mal
emphasis on sergeants . One of the young
recruits complained about their tough first
“By the way, when he was born?” the rookie
was asked.
“He w a s n ’t born,” the other protested, “he
was is sued.”
An artillery commander gave an order to
emplace a heavy gun. The Lieutenant, the gun
captain, reported to him: “There’s mud over
the heads of the men and the gun c a n ’t be
“Yes, it can,” insisted the CO.
“Make requisitions for whatever may be

The Lieutenant immediately made a formal
requisition as follows: “ I wan t 20 men, 18 feet
long, to cross a swamp 15 feet deep.”
Rapid turnover of personnel in Army units
was summed up by an officer as follows: “Two
coinin’, two go in ’, two lootin’, one shootin’.”
An Army s e rg e an t wa s ins truc ting a WAC
recruit about the General Orders of the Sentry.
“No, no, Pr iva te Mary Hopkins! A sentry
should not say: ‘Don’t come ne a r or I ’ll
scream,’ a sentry should challenge: ‘Halt! Who
goes th e re ’?” he admonished.
The commander of a tank unit asked the
platoon leader about a tan k driver who was
ju s t performing an exercise on the tan k dr iving
ground: “He drives like lightning, doesn’t
“Yes,” replied the platoon leader, “ always
str iking trees, sir!”
The gua rd commander walked into the cell
of the gu a rd house. “Hello, boys,” he
exclaimed. “ It’s my birthday today. We’re going

to celebrate this .date. Wha t kind of a pa r ty do
you boys su g g e s t? ”
“Open house,” 80 the prisoners yelled,
“Will automation be ever introduced in Infantry,”
one gravel agita tor asked another after
a long foot march across very rough terrain.
“Yes, it will,” his friend sugges ted.
“How will it look?”
“Oh, two robots c a r ry in g one infantry man
on a bunk, I suppose.”
Two soldiers were discus sing their sergeants .
“My s e rg e an t has the worst memory in the
world,” said the first.
“C a n ’t remember an y th in g ? ” the second
“No, he remembers everything.”
Captain Rhodew, a company commander,
wa s notorious for his cowardice in action and
efforts to keep in rear. His ba tta lion commander
wa s surprised to learn once th a t the c ap ta
in was not able to perform his duties because
he had jus t been wounded.
“Wounded!” exclaimed the battalion
commander. “ It mus t have been an accidental
discharge of his duty.”



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