ВОЕННЫЙ ЮМОР
КНИГА ДЛЯ ЧТЕНИЯ НА АНГЛИЙСКОМ ЯЗЫКЕ
Главная страница FALL OUT FOR LAUGH ВОЕННЫЙ ЮМОР
стр. 51-60
ЦЕЛЕБНЫЕ ЧАИ
INVITATION TO IMITATION
Private Eagl eton addressed his company
commander ; “Sir, may I ask for a pass to go
home tonight . My wife has ju s t delivered
triplets.”
“No, pr ivate, I c an’t grant you this leave. It
creates an annoying precedent. You’ll keep
asking me to let you go every evening on this
pretext.”
, EXEMPTION-ANXIOUS
“ I ’m in Class 1A,” wrote the regi s t rant to
his draft board in New York. “ I hear you put
men in ЗА if they have children. Please put me
in ЗА now, as I ’m working hard to get into this
category.”
NOT THE WHOLE TRUTH
“Pr ivate Koolidge,” asked the CO sternly,
“ is it true th a t you’ve called your sergeant ‘an
a s s ’?”
“Right you are, si r,” answere d the soldier.
“ I t ’s very good, pr ivate, that you say only
the t r uth,” praised the officer.
IDEAL SENTRY
A lady looked out of the window of her
house and exclaimed in admiration: “What an
ideal sent ry th at soldier across the street is!
He s tands without mot ion as if he has struck
roots like a tree, and even got leaves everywhere
about him!”
Her friend looked out too and commented:
“But it’s rea l ly a t ree.”
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CORRECT ANGLE
A tourist entered an arms shop in New York
and remarked: “You’ve got a s t range combination
of sale i tems in your shop — pistols
and saxophone s . Af ter all ar t and arms are
incompatible!”
“Not s t range at all,” answere d the shop
owner . “As soon as somebody buys a
saxophone , his neighbor rushes to get from us
a pistol .”
GROWING STOCKS
A crowd of foreign tourists in Washington
were watching a new building recently buil t
near the Pentagon.
“What is this huge skyscraper for?” asked
one of the tourists.
“ I t ’s the place where they’ll hold the
growing files of deserters from the armed
forces,” explained the guide.
MORE CONVINCING
The custodian of the unit bar racks had a
good idea how to save the green gras s near
the buildings, as ‘Keep Off the Gr a s s ’ signs
didn’t have any effect.
Instead, he displayed prominentl y the signs:
“Military Reservation. Trespasser s Will Be
Drafted!” Nobody ventured to enter the
grounds ever since.
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OVER AND OUT
Dur ing service pract ice in the arti llery
bat t a lio n every th ing seemed to go wrong. The
howitzer s were not f ir ing paral l e l to each other
as they should have been doing. The exasperated
instructor f inally called a halt and told
the telephone opera to r at the OP to send word
back to the f i ring battery.
“Form the sheaf parallel.” 52
The operator looked puzzled. “Say it again,
sir,” he asked.
On hearing the same instruct ions , the operator
called into the telephone: “ I d u n n o 53 what
he means, but he says to inform the chief farewell
.”
BETTER THAN BEST
The boast ful mot t o name of the US 2nd Infantry
Division was “Second to None.” 54 The
mot t o was figur ing on many s igns posted
everywhere. All this got to be too much for a
bat t a lio n quarte re d near the division.
A sign went up in front of the battalio n
CP. It read: “None.”
BY THE BOOK
The Br it ish Royal Arti llery made a t r ain ing
film on a gun-howitzer drill. At the preview
one scene puzzled everybody, Jus t before the
command to fire was given, one crew man
jumped from the gun carriage , rushed to the
rear about 20 paces, and froze there in a position
of at tent ion, arms stretched horizontally
to each side. No one could tell what the man
was doing except that it had been a par t of the
gun drill since Water loo.
At last an old caval ry man solved the
puzzle. “Hell man! Don’t you know who he is?
He is the bloody horse holder.”
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SET YOUR ALARM-CLOCK
The commander learned that his officers
tried to paint the town r e d 55 last night. At
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officers’ call next morning the commanding
officer delivered a stern lecture on military
efficiency, ending with this: “ I expect my junior
officers to play like hell from reveille to
recal l.”
One officer piped up with: “But, Colonel,
when do you expect us to sleep?”
The Old Man glared a moment, then said:
“ Lieutenant Howard, may I sugges t th a t you
try sleeping in between.”
PRECISE LOCATION
At a wet landing exercise of NATO forces a
LCT had to land two amphibious tanks ashore.
The first tank rumbled out into the water and
sank. A general witnessed the failure of the
first tank and, turning around, saw an officer
s tanding in wate r up to his knees.
“What you doing out there? Where’s that
other tank? ”
The officer drew himself up, saluted smartly
and answered, “Sir, I ’m s tanding on it.”
NOTHING LIKE EXPERIENCE
At Intell igence School students were being
shown by an ins tructor how most locks were
inadequat e protection for classified materia l .
The ins tructor exhibited superior skill in
picking and openin g all kinds of locking devices.
57 Af ter the demons t ratio n he asked if
there were any quest ions.
There was one: “Sir, what did you do before
you joined the Army?”
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EXCHANGING ROLES
Firs t Soldier: “The chaplain want s to see
you, James .”
Second Soldier: “What for?”
First Soldier: “How do I know? May be he
wants to tell you his troubles. In a word, see
the chapla in.”
ABSOLUTE REJECTION
In connection with those sensational t r a n s plant
operations the fol lowing story is in circulat
ion: In the well-known Wal te r Reed Army
Hospi t a l in the USA Pr iv ate B. Hammond,
USA, was operated several times. But all oper
ations were a complete failure. Surg eons were
not able to effect any adequat e t issue t r a n s plantation.
Finally, a sergeant told the doctors: “Don’t
you see you won’t succeed wi th any operat ion
on this man. He is a notorious Army gold
brick. Any operation means work. And the
trouble is the patient soldier’s body rejects
work.”
NOT AN OFFENCE
A soldier once asked his sergeant : “Ser geant,
can a man be punished for what he
h a sn ’t done?”
“No,” replied the non-com, “certainly not.”
“Swel l,” remarked the soldier, “because I
haven’t done what you told me.”
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PRECAUTION
A shepherd, who was tending his herd near
an Army a r t i l lery fi ring range, came to the
uni t commander and told him: “Sir, I ’ve found
an unexploded shell in the field.”
“Where is it?”
“There, a t your door. I was af raid one of my
cows could step on it and I ’ve taken the thing
here.”
IMPOSSIBILITY
Mother to her daughter : “Mary, i t ’s not the
r ight way to behave with men. Each day you
have a dat e with another soldier. Can you
decide yourself and have a steady one?”
“No, I c an’t, mother . They do not get their
pass es each day.”
NO HIDING
Dur ing dancing at a soldie rs’ club the girl
asked her soldier partner: “ Is it right what I
read in a book that soldiers can see everyth
in g with infrared equipment in pitch da rknes
s?”
“Yes, th a t ’s correc t ,” answered the soldier.
“And even,” the girl went on, “everything in
the park near the bar racks?”
“Yes, even that . ”
“Then,” suggested the girl, “we better go
home direct ly af ter the dances tonig ht .”
IDENTIFICATION CODE
A CIA agent in a Latin America countr y got
an as s ignment f rom his bosses to find his secret
resident as s i s tant in the capita l city.
At the indicated address he came to the re quired
house where he saw an old man at the
door: “Are pots and pans mended here?” he
used the prescribed code phrase.
“Wha t pots and pans? ” the man answered.
“ If you want to see that American spy, he lives
on the second floor, room 13, there,” explained
the old man.
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JUMPING THE GUN
A Majo r was promoted to Lieutenant Colonel.
A few days late r he was officially notified
th at he had been promoted by mistake to be
corrected at some later date. Dur ing this period
the half-and-hal f Lieutenant Colonel
replaced his name plate with this sign:
“Oops!”
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ANOTHER INTERPRETATION
A sma r t ai rcraft main tenance technician
worked out a very complicated procedure to
repair aircr a f t and return to service. The pro cedure
was proudly called “Progress iv e Aircraft
Rework.”
An engineer commented: “Why such an ambitious
name? It means ‘Pa int and Return’.”
WHAT’S FOR CHOW?
A unit cook was asked: “What are you
reading, John?”
“The Cooking Book ‘Army Rat ions ’.”
“And who is the author?”
“Bacon F. Chow.”
ESCALATION
The division commander decided to hold a
parade. He ordered brigade commander s to
pa rade their troops at 9.00. The brigade
commander s told their battalio n commanders
to be ready for the division parade by 8.30.
The bat t a lio n commander s demanded th at company
commanders should line up their companies
at 8.00.
The serg eant told the men: “The division
commander is reviewing the parade at 9.00.
The orders of the platoon leader are to be
ready by 6.30. I shal l check up the readiness
for the parade a t 6.00.”
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JUSTIFICATION
The Commanding General summoned his
Chief of Staf f and told him: “Will you find an
inte l ligent and efficient officer.”
“Yes, sir. What th en?”
“Then find the reasons for your dismissal
from your post . ”
SHOES AND FOOT WEAR
“Dear Mom,” wrote a recruit, “Army shoes
are supposed to ‘fit like glove’, as my ser geant
said, but I ’d be sat isfied if I could ju s t
get a pair that fit like shoes.”
THE ONLY PLACE
In the recept ion room of a doctor an
annoyed visitor exclaimed: “How could I find
a doctor honest enough to tell me there ’s
nothing wrong with me?”
Another client advised: “Join the Army!”
WRONG ADDRESSEE
After ma i l call a soldier looked ext remely
sad.
“Wha t ’s wrong, boy?” asked his buddy.
“ I jus t got a ‘Dear Jo h n ’ letter !”
“Gee, that happens to any wolf who is after
girls.”
“Yeah, but I don’t even have a gir l!”
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