ВОЕННЫЙ ЮМОР
КНИГА ДЛЯ ЧТЕНИЯ НА АНГЛИЙСКОМ ЯЗЫКЕ
Главная страница FALL OUT FOR LAUGH ВОЕННЫЙ ЮМОР
стр. 102-124
ЦЕЛЕБНЫЕ ЧАИ
GASOLINE COWBOY
An Army driver was having his first dr iving
practice on the truck driving ground. On his
first run his truck dashed through a stop s ig nal,
missed the traffic regulation man at the
road intersection by a hair, grazed another
truck by another hair, then s lammed to a stop
ju s t before it rammed a road block. The
dr iving ins tructor strolled over.
“Listen, gasoline cowboy,” he said to the
driver. “On your way back, I ’ll drop this h a n d kerchief.
See if you can pick it up with your
teeth.”
REFINED WORDS ONLY
An old lady, mother-in-law of the CO,
shocked at the la n g u a g e of some soldiers,
ditch-diggers, working on a detail ne a r her
house in the Officers’ Quar ter s , complained to
the Colonel. The Colonel summoned the S e r g
e an t in charge of the working pa r ty and
ordered him to inquire into the ma tter. The
Se rg e a n t called one of the men over.
“Wh a t ’s all this about profane talk, Pr iva te
McCres?” he demanded.
“Why, Sa rg e ,” replied the man, “it’s nothing
at all. Me and Pr iva te Butch were working
there, side by side and I accidently let my pick
slip and hit him on the head and Butch looked
a t me and said, ‘Now really, John, in the
future you must handle th a t implement with
more caution’.”
LONG SPELLING
A telephone ope ra tor was h aving trouble in
g e ttin g the man on the opposite end of the line
to make out his name.
“The me s sage wa s received by Pr iva te Z a n der.
Zander! Zander! No, not C! The la s t letter
of the a lphabet А, В, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K,
L, M, N, О, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z!
Zan de r !”
RADIO EXPERT
The CO called the Cha rge of Quarters .
“Private, haven’t you noticed th a t? ” he
asked sternly, pointing up to a cobweb on the
ba r ra ck s ceiling.
“Oh, yes, sir,” ^replied the man, brightly.
“A radio aerial, isn ’t it?”
RELIABLE CHECK
When checking up the missile electrical
wir ing before launching, the chief electrician
wa s ra the r puzzled.
“Hey,” he called to his as s is tant, “put your
han d on one of these wires.”
The a s s is ta n t did as he was told.
“Feel an ything? ”
“No.”
“Good,” said the chief electrician. “ I w a sn ’t
sure which was which. Don’t touch the other
or you’ll drop dead.”
DISAPPOINTING PRESCRIPTION
P r iv a te MacRoy, a notorious gold brick, was
on the sick call.
“ I am never well, I c a n ’t say why, sir,” he
complained. “When drilling I get sort of pain,
I don ’t know exactly where and it leaves me
kind of — oh, I don’t know wha t.”
“This is a prescription,” said the Medical
Officer, “for I don’t know what. Take it I don’t
know how many times a day, I c a n ’t think of
for how long, and you’ll feel better I don’t
know when.”
FIGURATIVE S PEECH
Recruit O’Brich, who wa s to become a radio
telephone operator, wa s sh a r in g his impre s sions
about his first radio drill.
“Radio is like when you step on the tail of
a long dog tha t begins in Europe and stretches
acros s the Atlantic to America and he barks
where the radio set is only there a in’t no dog.”
NO EXCUSE
Pr iva te Wil’oerforce had been sent with a
mes sage to the unit HQ. He returned to his
outfit two hours later th an ordered.
“Pr iv a te Wilberforce,” his top s e rg e a n t said
in an ice-cold voice, “what do you mean by
being two hours late?”
“But, s e rg e an t ,” was the painful protest,
“ I ’ve been run over by a truck.”
“Never mind,” the top kick snapped, “it
doesn’t take two hours to get run over.”
INDEPENDENCE
Du r in g ma rch in g drill a private begged his
drill sergeant: “Sergeant, could you let me
show a little independence dur ing the drill?”
“Why?” asked the sergeant.
“My wife is peering through the p a rad e
ground fence,” was the explanation,
DUTY ECHO
A unit wa s t ra in in g high up in mountains.
A soldier threw his voice and the echo came
back magnificently.
“Some echo, eh?” he commented.
“Call tha t an echo?” snorted his neighbor.
“Why, where I was in a t ra in in g camp in the
Rockies before we turned in the CQ yelled out
of the window of the ba r ra cks ‘Reveille, wake
up, boys’ — and eight hours later the echo
came back and awakened the soldiers .”
DRIVING CONDITIONS
A soldier was riding a lon g a muddy road in
a truck when he came acros s a friend who was
so deep in the mud tha t all th a t could be seen
of him was his head.
“Hey, Bill,” cried the truck driver. “Want a
lift?”
“No, th an ks ,” was the answer, “ I ’m riding
in a jeep.”
DESIRABLE PUNISHMENT
A guard commander at the gua rdhouse
threatened two unruly prisoners : “ If you, men,
fight again, I ’ll have you thrown out.”
CONSERVATIVE ESTIMATE
A young soldier was asked about his new
Army experience.
“ I t ’s ju s t drills, drills, drills and nothing
but drills, day in, day out.”
“And you me an to tell me,” his friend
commented, “you have 24 hours of drills a day?”
“Exactly so, boy, and th a t ’s a mighty conservative
estimate, too.”
DUBIOUS EDUCATION
An applicant for enrollment at the West
Point Military Academy wa s asked by the interviewing
officer.
“Where did you get your education, young
ma n ? ”
“Yale,” 82 was the reply.
“Th a t ’s splendid. The Army needs highly
educated people,” the officer remarked.
“And w h a t ’s your name ? ”
“Yackson.”
HIS TURN
With a note of deep regre t in his voice the
unit chaplain wa s ta ckling Pr iva te M o r r i so n ,83
a frequent visitor to gua rdhouse for
drunkenne s s and disorderly conduct when on
pass.
“The las t time I met you, Pr iva te Morrison,”
he said, “you made me very happy because you
were sober and well disciplined. To-day I ’m
unhapp y because you are drunk and disgrace
to the Army.”
“Yes,” replied the private, “today’s my turn
to be happy.”
BLISTER AGENT
Du r in g a lecture on wa r a g ents the chemical
wa r instructor chalked a formula on the
blackboard. Then he wheeled about and
pointed a finger at the sleepiest member of the
class.
“ Identify the formula, Cadet Smith,” he demanded.
“Er, ah,” stalled the unhappy student. “ I ’ve
got it r ight on the tip of my tongue, s ir.”
“ In that case,” said the ins tructor softly,
“you’d better spit it out, my boy. I t ’s lewisite.”
TROUBLESOME ALPHABET
The wife of an Army radio telephone ope ra tor
got very much suspicious when she overheard
her husband whispe r ing in his sleep:
“Juliette, Romeo, Tango, Foxtrot, Whiskey…”
He had much trouble explaining to her th a t
it was only the Army phonetical alphabet for
radio me s sage s ( J—R—T—F—W).
LIARS
A soldier went to his C.O., a colonel, and
asked leave to go home because his wife was
ill.
“ I don’t like to refuse, Murphy,” said the
CO, “but as a ma tte r of fact, I ’ve ju s t had a
letter from your wife say ing th a t she was all
r ig h t now and, therefore, leave is not
neces sary.” —
The man saluted and turned to go. At the
door he stopped, turned, and remarked: “Colonel,
there are two whopping liars 84 in this re giment,
and I ’m one of them. I ’m not ma r r ied .”
THERE ARE SOME OTHERS TOO
Dur ing some drill exercise the drill s e rg e an t
suddenly pricked his ears.
“Wh a t ’s the ma tter, Pr iv a te Jone s ,” he
asked, “ I keep h e a r in g the word i d i o t ’. I hope
you are not re ferring to me.”
“Don’t be conceited, sergeant, as if there are
no other idiots in the world,” was the reply.
CORRECT ANSWER
At US Army Intelligence School after a lecture
an ins tructor asked his class: “So what
p h ra se is most often used in the intelligence
service, Cadet Smith?”
“ I don’t know,” answered the Cadet.
“Th a t ’s r ig h t,” approved the instructor.
HONESTY PAYS
Pr iva te Williamson found his double name
repeated twice on the pay roll. Ins te ad of
accepting two pays, he told the financial officers:
“Honesty is the best policy. And besides,
I ’ll be g e tting kitchen duty twice!”
ALLIES
Se rge ant: “A n ’ya got t o 85 salute Navy officers
also.”
Buck: “Why, s a rg e ? ”
Sergeant: “Because they’re our allies, too.”
ALL ACCOUNTED FOR 86
Du r in g a river cros sing exercise an infantry
unit was to be ferried acros s a deep river.
«H a s anybody ever been lost in cross ing
here?” asked a timid private.
“No,” the engineer in cha rge of the ferry
replied. “One man from another unit was
drowned here at the la s t exercise, but we found
him the next day.”
WINTER TRAINING
“We’ll be h aving a ha rd winter t ra in in g this
year ,” the company CO announced. “So we
mus t a dapt ourselves to the cold in advance.”
A voice was heard from the re a r rank. “Will
they s ta r t is suing ice-cream in the mess today,
s ir? ”
ALWAYS THE FIRST
“How are your successes in shooting? ” a soldier
was asked.
“Always the first, sir.”
“Congratulations ! Holding the first place?”
“No, sir. Always the first exercise. I ’ve been
refiring it six times.”
HE CAN
“Can you keep military secrets, J ame s ? ”
“Yes I can, but my friends for whom I do
not have any secrets are absolutely uncapable
to keep their mouth shut.”
STEADY PULSE
“Nothing the ma tte r with you at all, soldier,”
gruffly spoke the Medical Officer on the sick
call. “You are in perfect health. Why, your
pulse is as s teady as clockwork.”
“But, sir,” whined the soldier. “You’ve your
fingers on my wrist watch.”
NEW HEAD
A boot in a t ra in in g camp said to his drill
se rge ant.
“When I first came here, I mu s t ’ve acted
kind of dumb but now I ’m forging ahead, s e r g
e an t .”
“Good,” commented the drill instructor,
“ I hope it fits you.”
GOOD JOB
The rookie failed to salute the post
commanding officer.
“Don’t you know who I am?” the CO
queried.
“N o p e ,87 ju s t got here,” replied the rookie.
“ I ’m the commanding officer of this post,”
says the CO.
“T h a t ’s ^a helluva good job,” 88 says the
rookie, “don’t louse it up.”
I.O.U.
A soldier wa s in formation and an swe r in g
roll call when the s e rg e a n t tacked the wrong
initials onto his name.
“ I t’s I.О. Jenks, s ir,” he said.
“You owe who? ” The s e rg e a n t asked.
“Well, practically everybody, sir,” answered
Jenks .
HIS PRIVILEGE
A recruit was being rebuked by his drill s e r ge
an t for making a mistake in drill. Several
times he opened his mouth to explain th a t he
was not altogether to blame, but each time the
se rg e an t cut him short. When he still p ro tested,
the s e rg e an t became annoyed and
exclaimed: “Are you the superior or am I?”
“ I t ’s certain tha t I’m not, se rg e a n t ,” replied
the rookie.
“Then if you are not,” replied the non-com
emphatically, “why are you ta lking like an
idiot?”
AS THE CROW FLIES 89
Three topog raph e r s were discus s ing the
distance between two points.
“Exactly how far is between these two
points?” asked the first. For some time the
second topog rap he r wa s thinking then said:
“About four miles as the cry flows.”
“You mean as the flow cries!” retorted the
first.
“No,” , remarked the third, “he me ans as the
fly crows.”
And they looked at one another, feeling tha t
something was wro n g somewhere in the
estimate,
MARCHING SINGER
A tough s e rg e a n t sized up a group of
rookies: “Anybody can s in g? ”
“Yes, Caruso,” a w a g replied from the re a r
rank.
“Caruso, s ing,” the s e rg e an t ordered,
THOUGHTFUL
A philosophical ma rksman sh ip ins tructor
said:
“Shooting without aiming is like speaking
without thinking.”
FALSE ECONOMY
Two British soldiers were summing up their
battle experiences.
“How did Ma cPhe r son get killed?”
“He pulled the pin on a hand g ren ad e and
then hated to throw it away,”
INSUF F ICIENT INFORMATION
An an g ry officer h aving trouble with the
telephone, bellowed at an operator: “Am I
crazy or are you?”
“ I’m sorry, sir,” the s ig n a lma n replied, “but
we do not have that information.”
VOICE OF EXPERIENCE
Two soldiers were discus s ing privileges
given to a thletes in their unit.
“Wh a t ’s an athlete, Pop,” one asked.
“An athlete is a dignified bunch of muscles
incapable of shoveling snow, policing the
b a r ra cks or c a r rying out kitchen slops.”
THREE RULES FOR SUCCESS
“You know three rules for success in the
Army, Ja ck? ” a private asked another.
“No. What are they, J im? ”
“Shoot the bull. P a s s the buck. Make seven
copies.”
REVEILLE
The s e rg e an t entered the b a r ra ck s and
tumbled a sleeping pr ivate out upon the cold
floor.
“J u s t because you made your bed, Pr iva te
Jenkins ,” he said, “don’t think you can lie
in it.”
REAL CHAMPION
At a break in physical t ra in in g there was a
usual bull session. One of the soldiers said:
“And I’ve got a gold medal for ru n n in g five
miles, and one for ten miles; a silver medal
for swimming; two cups for wrestling, and
badges for boxing and rowing!”
“You mus t be a wonderful athlete, John ,”
one of the listeners said.
“Athlete? I ra n a pawnshop before the
Army.”
NON-AVAILABLE
Se rge ant: “Say, got a c iga re tte ? ”
Yard Bird: “Yeah, but they are all promised.”
A CONFESSION
“Say there, J inks ,” roa red the sergeant.
“Why we ren’t you out for p a ra d e this monday
mo rn in g ? ” ч
“Because, s e rg e a n t ,” replied the quaking
soldier,” I threw my ankle out of j o i n t 90 las t
night! ” ‘
“Tha t’s no excuse,” boomed the sergeant,
“ I’ve turned out for pa rad e after h av ing my
whole body thrown out of half a dozen joints .”
SAFE NAME
Soldiers in foxholes were spe ak in g about
th a t old belief th a t a bullet th a t is destined to
hit a soldier had his name on it.
“Stop worrying, Mesenjowskiwitzdoffburgerhofer,”
one soldier said, “the re ’s no bullet with
your name on it.”
“No bullet, p e rh ap s ,” moaned the soldier
with a long name. “Bullets are not long
enough. But wha t about mis siles?”
“Athlete? I ra n a pawnshop before the
Army.”
NON-AVAILABLE
Se rge ant: “Say, got a c iga re tte ? ”
Yard Bird: “Yeah, but they are all promised.”
A CONFESSION
“Say there, J inks ,” roa red the sergeant.
“Why we ren’t you out for p a ra d e this monday
mo rn in g ? ” ч
“Because, s e rg e a n t ,” replied the quaking
soldier,” I threw my ankle out of j o i n t 90 las t
night! ” ‘
“Tha t’s no excuse,” boomed the sergeant,
“ I’ve turned out for pa rad e after h av ing my
whole body thrown out of half a dozen joints .”
SAFE NAME
Soldiers in foxholes were spe ak in g about
th a t old belief th a t a bullet th a t is destined to
hit a soldier had his name on it.
“Stop worrying, Mesenjowskiwitzdoffburgerhofer,”
one soldier said, “the re ’s no bullet with
your name on it.”
“No bullet, p e rh ap s ,” moaned the soldier
with a long name. “Bullets are not long
enough. But wha t about mis siles?”
“ It was an accident, sir,” Pr iv a te Johns
pleaded.
“An accident! Wha t do you me an ? ”
“ I did n’t know it would break.”
CORRECT
A topography ins tructor • asked a soldier:
“Now, if you stood with your back to the north
and your face to the south, wha t would be on
your left h an d ? ”
“F in ge r s ,” was the sma r t reply.
REPRIMAND
The Top S e rg e a n t pointed to a c igarette butt
on the floor in the barracks : “ Is th a t yours?”
“No, you can have it,” the soldier replied,
“you saw it firs t.”
JUSTICE ABOVE ALL
A summa ry Court Ma r tia l wa s examining
the case of Pr iv a te O’Connor accused of
sleeping on his duty when a sentry. The
evidence presented at the trial e s tablished the
fact th a t the accused, h a v in g been posted as a
sentry, wa s absent from his post of duty and
th a t a search resulted in the discovery of the
accused asleep in his bunk in the ba rracks .
The rulin g was as follows:
“Once the accused had left his post of duty
he . was no longer on duty and, consequently,
was’ not guilty of s leeping upon his duty after
h a v in g left his post. Accordingly, the court
finds the accusation not proved and acquits
the accused of the offense specified.”
NOT NUTS
The s e rg e a n t observed a GI pushing a wheel
ba r row upside down.
“Are you nuts, Pr iv a te Lampe r t,” he barked,
“you’ve got it upside down.”
“Oh, yeah, s a rg e ,” answered the private.
“ I used to push it the other way and they put
bricks in it.”
FOR SURE
The commander of a ta n k unit was h e a r in g
evidence about disorderly conduct of Se rg e an t
Darnell, a tank commander, when on leave on
Sunday.
“Lieutenant Po r te r ,” he asked, “ are you sure
the s e rg e a n t wa s drunk when you met him in
the s tre e t? ”
“Yes, sir, he was c a r rying a manhole cover
and shouted, ‘Here I am, leading my tank to
victory’.”
EXPLOSIVE CARGO
A war ve te ran was te lling his listeners
another s tory about his misfortunes.
“ In an a tta ck I wa s heavily wounded and’
they took me to the aid s ta tion in an ammu nition.
truck.”
“You mean an ambulanc e ? ” somebody asked.
“No, I had so many bullets and shells Mn my
body tha t i was good qnly for an ammunition
truck.”
WHO’S ACTING?
An officer ins tructor got irritated with a c a det
who was e ag e r to show off his education.
“Look here, young man! Are you the ins tru c tor
in this c la s s? ”
“No, sir, I’m not.”
“Well,” said the ins tructor, “then, stop
acting like a fool.”
• DISMISSED
A burly s e rg e an t introduc ing himself to his
subordinates boasted: “And don’t try any tricks
with me. I can lick anybody in this platoon.”
A still burlier recruit stepped forward and
said: “You c a n ’t lick me.”
The s e rg e an t eyed him for a minute and
then waved him aside, “You’re no longer in
this platoon.”
SMART APPEARANCE
At morn in g inspection p a ra d e the s e rg e a n t
asked a badly shaved recruit: “Did you shave
this mo rn in g ? ”
“Yes, sir,” answered the recruit.
“Well, tomorrow s tand a little closer to the
ra zo r .”
ENGINEERING
After explaining the basic da ta of his en g i ne
e r ing project the u n it engineer concluded:
“Tha t is all; the res t is only pick-and-shovel
work on the slide rule.”
USUAL PRACTICE
The Special Forces were being trained for a
secret mission. They were given an extremely
tough obstacle course — swimming across a
r a g in g river, ru n n in g up a vertical cliff,
sc rambling through barbed wire entang lements
and climbing steep hills with full equipment.
As they came to the end of their t ra in in g
period, a colonel barked to a soldier from a
mountain country. “How do you like it, soldier?”
“Shucks, sir, it a in ’t n o thin’,” 91 drawled the
soldier. “Where I came from we have to go
through country like this to get to the toilet!”
S PE ED DEMON
An M.P. on a highway flagged down a military
truck driver.
«Why are you going 90 miles an hour, P r i vate?”
he demanded.
“Why, I ju s t washed the truck and was
drying it off,” the driver answered.
RANKS
The small boy was b r a g g in g about his
uncle’s newest promotion.
“And,» he concluded proudly, “the longer
he s tays in the Army the ranker he ge ts .” 92
TOUGH
A group of soldiers detailed for some work
were doing their best to do nothing. One of the
gold bricks philosophized: “The ha rde s t th ing
about doing nothing is that you c an’t stop and
re s t.”
Another loafer asked his neighbor: “John,
a r e n ’t you sometime tired of doing no th in g ? ”
“Of course, I am.”
“What do you do then?”
“What any tired man does — I take a res t.”
GETTING TECHNICAL
The PT ins tructor was trying to impres s a
group of recruits on his physical prowess. He
described the time he swam three times across
a broad river. Came a laugh from the rear of
the group.
“Wh a t,” asked the ins tructor with dignity,
“is so funny?”
“ I t ’s only this, sir. I wa s wondering why you
didn’t make it four times and get back on the
side where you left your clothes?”
NO EXPLANATION
An MP noticed a soldier loitering about
streets late at night.
“Hey, private,” he said, “have you any
explanation for wande r ing about this time of
nig h t? ”
“Look here, s a rg e ,” the AWOL said, “if I
had an explanation I ’d have gone to the
ba r ra cks hours a g o ? ”
PLACE UNKNOWN
“You bulkheads ,” stormed the c rus ty old s e r g
e an t before a squad of recruits, “ I have to do
all the thinking for you. Where would you be
if I died tomorrow?”
A very green recruit ventured: “Right here,
but, se rge ant, where would you be?”
UNAUTHORIZED DREAM
Pr iv a te Jackson put up a t the cros sbar hotel
for a certain period was asked by another pr isoner:
“Why were you a r re s ted ? ”
“For a dream — a beautiful dre am.”
“How very strict! Is it not allowed to have
dre ams in your unit?”
“ I had this dream on sentry duty,” explained
Pr iva te Jackson.
DESERT OPERATIONS
The ba tte ry commander scanned the horizon
with his field glas ses . The a re a did not have
any o u ts ta n d in g features. At la s t he noticed
two undiscernible spots. Immediately he gave
the command: “The left spot — Reference
Point No 1, the rig ht — Reference Point No 2.”
When some time later he was about to order
his battery to commence regis tration, his for
wa rd observer reported: “Sir, Reference Point
No 1 mounted Reference Point No 2 and they
rode away.”
CORRECT PRONUNCIATION
An Au s tra lian soldier jus t arrived to a unit
at a dang e ro us sector of the front. There he
met a friend, also an Aussie.
“Ullow, Bill.”
“Ullow, Steve. Come in to die?”
“No, yesterdye.”
RANK HAS ITS PRIVILEGE
The Company C.O. asked Pr iva te Brown:
“Wha t did you mean by swe a r in g before the
platoon se rg e a n t? ”
“ I didn’t know, sir, he wanted to swear
first.”
KNOWLEDGEABLE EXPERT
Two soldiers were b r a g g in g about their good
knowledge of various weapons.
“Can you tell me, Peter, which one of those
two weapons is the g ren ad e launcher and the
recoilless rifle?”
“T h a t ’s easy, Fred, the one next to the g r e nade
launcher is the recoilless rifle.”
AMONG HIGH BRASS PERSONNEL
A general was re pr iman ding a corporal for
some offence. “Well, sir, we better forget about
it. If we — superiors — begin quarrelling,
then wh a t will ran k and file do?”
BEST PROCEDURE
The topography ins truc tor asked a students
“Wh a t ’s the best way of de te rmining one ’s loca
tion? ”
“To ask a local resident about it, sir,” was
the answer.
CONFUSED
A group of infantrymen on maneuvers in a
wooded country lost their way at night. They
were happy to see a farm on the wood’s edge.
“Can you put us up for the night, lady?”
they asked the wife of the farm owner.
“How many are you?” she inquired.
“6 men and a corporal.”
“O.K. you men come in. Tie your corporal in
the kennel — it ’s v a c an t now.”
INCOGNITO
A soldier wrote a letter to his girl in which
he told her about his service every thing
possible and impossible. In conclusion he re c a lled
th a t he had been ins tructed to keep military
secrets and wound up his letter as follows:
“With Love, Yours Jack X.”
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